1. Deer At The Bird Feeder

HUMOUR

Barney

SMILE

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FOLLOWING?

  1. “Ontario’s Deer Hunt for the Disabled.”
  2. “I wouldn’t recommend dogs for partridge because of their reluctance to fly.”
  3. “Almost every whitetail deer that I have been lucky enough to harvest has been shot out of a tree stand.”
  4. “While they last, readers may obtain copies of a publication offered by the Nova Scotia Department of Tourism.”
  5. “A common way to hunt moose is to ride a horse and look for animals with binoculars.”
  6. “It seems that black bears have become a greater nuisance in recent years as more go camping in the woods.”
  7. “The honking of geese came from my rear.”

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    Canadas

                                     SIGNS

  1. At a maternity shop: “We are open on Labour Day”.
  2. On the front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except for the dog”.
  3. On a maternity room door: “Push, Push”.
  4. At a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume that you are on fire and take appropriate action”.
  5. Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you are looking for, you have come to the right place.”
  6. Scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”.
  7. In a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff”.
  8. In a Podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels”.
  9. House sign: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive”.
  10. At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment”.
  11. At a muffler shop: “No appointment needed. We’ll hear you coming.”
  12. Hotel notice: “Help! We need inn-experienced people”.
  13. In a butcher’s window: “Pleased to meat you”.
  14. Office sign: “We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left”.
  15. Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Back in 5. Stay! Sit!”
  16. Beauty shop: “Dye now!”
  17. At a computer shop: “Out for a quick byte”.
  18. At a restaurant: “Don’t just stand there hungry, come in and be fed up”.
  19. At a bowling alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop”.
  20. At a music library: “Bach in a minuet”.
  21. Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We can wait.”
  22. On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
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strutting partridge

                                                         TONGUE-IN-CHEEK

                       The Al-gebra Movement

A school teacher was arrested at the airport while attempting to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule and a calculator. The Attorney General said that he believed the teacher to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement and is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult desirous of average solutions by means and extremes. They sometimes go off on tangents in search of an absolute value. Using code names like “x” and “y” they will refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”

 President George Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified the government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.”

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                                                       PUNS

“A good pun is its own reword.”  Americans are known to ponder – “What is it with Canadians and puns?”  Some have asserted that the pun is the lowest level of humour. Others, the opposite.

Some Examples:

  1. Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
  2. A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
  3. Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  5. Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
  6. If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
  7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play.
  10. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  11. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  12. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  13. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a peach.
  14. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
  15. When you dream in colour it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  16. Reading at the beach can leave you well-red.
  17. When two egotists meet it’s an I for an I.

 

     

 

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